Agony of Life
by rooster dawn
Summary: Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn’t there anymore. Author’s note: Alternative universe where Harm’s and Sarah’s lives together begin after the Admiral’s Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.
1. Chapter 1

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

part one Dining out

2000 hours Friday

21 May 2004

Officer's Club

Naval Academy

Annapolis

The Admiral had decided it was time to retire. He was tired of dealing with the new SecNav. He was always violating Naval policies and butting in when he wasn't wanted. He reminded him of Bobby Laythem. They had their own agendas.

One never knew where one stood with him. He had to deal with the Lindsey Report. Even though the SecNav had relented after his staff had answered all the charges made against his office, he knew it was only a matter of time before he was asked to retire.

He was tired of dealing with new personnel. He was tired of all the theatrics that had gone on at JAG for the last couple of years. He wanted to spend time with his daughter before it was too late.

He decided to have a formal event to celebrate his retirement, a Dining Out party. He had invited about forty or so people who he had worked closely with over the years.

The senior officers of Jag thought it was rather unusual though, he hadn't asked Harm or Mac to play an active role in the ceremony. For the longest time they were the two most important people in the Admiral's life.

They all assumed Harm and Mac must still be on the outs with the Admiral. The Admiral hated himself for letting the SecNav convince him not to do anything to help Harm during his murder trial, to rescue Mac when she was missing in Paraguay, or forcing Harm to resigned his commission to go after her.

He hated the fact that Harm had the balls to do what was right even if it meant giving up everything to do so. He also hated the fact that he neglected the number one creed demanded of all SEALs, NEVER leave a man behind.

He also hated the fact that he erred when he didn't let Harm return to Jag after the rescue. He didn't think Harm was a TEAM player. He though Harm was a glory hound, only interested in his own agenda.

Unfortunately when Harm was gone, he found out exactly how important Harm had become at Jag. Jag headquarters fell into total disarray with him gone. No one seemed to be able to function at their usual high level of efficiency. Morale was shot to hell, it hit an all time low.

He hated to admit that Harm had held this unit together. Harm had an unique leadership style, he had the ability to get the right people in the right places.

He had to eat crow later and listen to Coates whine about bringing Harm back for months. She had droved him crazy in the process. He tried to bring Harm back on his own terms, but knew that everyone was right and he was wrong, though he would never admit it to anyone.

Dinner was uneventful. Everyone was quiet as they ate. Harm ate his meal wondering where Mac was. It wasn't like her to be late for an event so important. Something had to be up.

He needed to talk to her. He had remember early this morning it had been five years since the day he made the promise to her, a promise he wanted to keep, to have a baby with her.

As they were serving dessert Mac finally arrived. She looked so beautiful even in her Marine blue dress uniform. She seemed very quiet Harm thought. Maybe her doctor's appointment didn't go as well as planned.

"Hi Mac, I was getting worried that you weren't going to make it." Harm greeted her with concern.

"My appointment ran late, I had a procedure done, and my doctor didn't want me to drive anywhere, so I had to take a cab." replied Mac.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm more uncomfortable than in pain. The doctor said the discomfort should go away in about a week." she answered.

Harm could see how tired she was. He would make sure he took good care of her. They ordered dessert and talked about what she had missed. Not much she found out. The Admiral was acting strange all night and was a bit distant.

They decided to go outside to talk. It was warmer than normal for this time of year. It was a clear night with many stars lighting up the sky. They sat down on a bench a hundred yards away from the club.

"It's nice to see that Bud got his promotion. He's worked really hard to earn it." sighed Mac.

"That he did, though I'm surprised that the Admiral did it." replied Harm.

"Come on Harm, don't be that way." pleaded Mac.

"I can't help it Mac. He screwed up my life too many times. He never forgave me for leaving JAG to return to flying. He held up my promotion just long enough to punish me and make me junior to you.

He wasn't there for me when I was accused of murdering Loren. He wouldn't let anyone see me during the time I was in the brig. I was left to rot in the brig and I had a lawyer who was more concerned with her obsessions than defending me.

He let you go on a mission with Webb alone which he knew was doomed to fail. Not one of Webb's plans has ever gone as plan in eight years. Why did he think all of a sudden that one was going to work?

When you went missing he wouldn't even let me go after you. I had to resign my commission to do so. Even though I was successful I was so angry that I took it out on you. I couldn't tell you how I felt about you.

You asked me why I was there. I couldn't even tell you it was because I loved you. I was so angry with him and Webb." he moaned.

"It was the concussion Harm. You couldn't think clearly. And I was suffering from the traumatic shock of seeing Webb tortured and then watching the missionaries being killed. I wasn't in any shape to think rationally either.

I wanted to talk to you when we got back, but you wouldn't return any of my calls. I wanted to apologize to you for pushing you away." replied Mac trying to let Harm know that she understood.

"I deserved it Mac. I said some awful things to you that I should never have said. Everything was fine between us until Webb showed up and told you I resigned my commission. I shouldn't have let him goad me like he did. I should have just kissed you and said I love you." argued Harm.

"You love me?" she asked a little surprise. After all this time it was hard to hope that he still loved her.

"Yes Sarah, I do. I love you more than ever and I want to marry you. It's been five years since I made you the promise of having a baby together with you." he replied smiling.

"You want to marry me and have children?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes Sarah, I do." he replied a little amused.

"Then I should tell you what the doctor told me today. I have to have surgery next week. I have a tumor near my reproductive organs. There's a distinct possibility I might not be able to have any children." she replied.

She was so scared right now. Harm had finally told her he loved her and wanted her for the rest of their lives. But had they waited too long to finally move on to this stage of their life.

"As much as I want to have children with you Sarah, I want you even more. After taking care of Mattie for six months I know the child doesn't have to be mine for me to love it. If we can't have any of own we can adopt.

I love you Sarah Mackenzie. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You are the only thing that has ever mattered to me. I'm just sorry I took you for granted and waited so long to tell you what I should have told you the first day I met you. I love you." he replied trying to reassure her.

"I love you too Harm. And yes, I would love to become your wife." she said in return.

Harm drew her into an embrace. They kissed lovingly at first before moving on to kissing more passionately. After ten minutes they decided it was time to go back inside to say good night to everyone.

The last person they saw was the Admiral. He was getting ready to leave also. He was surprised to see Harm and Mac so close together.

"You seem to be looking better than when you walked in Colonel." the Admiral greeted Mac.

"I am Sir. I'm getting married." she replied.

"Do I know him?" he asked playing this little game with her.

"Yes Sir. Harm and I are getting married." she replied with one of her best smiles. A smiled that had been missing for the last eighteen months.

"Have you set a date?" he asked.

"As soon as there is an opening at the chapel Sir." Harm answered. "It's where my father and mother got married."

"Congratulations Colonel, Commander. I hope you both will be very happy." the Admiral offered as he shook both of their hands.

"What are you going to do in your retirement Sir?" asked Mac.

"What I should have done years ago, spend time with my daughter. It's something I regret more and more every year. We're going to travel the country and visit all the baseball parks. Hopefully we will end up at Fenway Park in Boston for the World Series." smiled the Admiral.

"That sounds wonderful Sir. I wish you the best in your retirement." replied Mac.

"Good luck Sir. I know the last year wasn't the best year for us, but I always thought that you were the best Commanding Officer I ever had. It was an honor serving under you Sir. You will be miss." added Harm as he shook the Admiral's hand for the last time.


	2. Chapter 2

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

part two Time of joy

20 July 2004

Naval Academy Chapel

Annapolis

A couple of months later Harm and Mac were married at the Naval Academy Chapel. It was a beautiful wedding attended by a few friends and family. The only one of note who didn't attend was the Admiral.

Mac didn't mind one way or another if he was there, but Harm did. He still remembered being hung out to dry by the Admiral. The anger and pain he suffered from the different experiences of the past year hadn't ebbed yet.

Harm doubted very much that they ever would. It was bad enough to be charged with murdering Loren, but to be held in the brig for the duration was too much. On top of that he wasn't allowed any visitors. It was like being in isolation.

He felt liked he had been abandoned by his family and the one man he truly respected above all others. It left such a sour taste in his mouth. The Admiral blamed the SecNav, who said he couldn't get involved after the Lindsey Report.

But how could the Admiral explain not going after Mac in Paraguay when she was reported missing. The Admiral did absolutely nothing. God dammit, he was a SEAL. They never leave a man behind. He would never understand that or forgive him.

The Admiral wouldn't even let him take leave to go after Mac. The Admiral forced him to resign his commission so that he could go after her. He had been forced to choose between the life he loved, being in the Navy, and the woman he loved above all else.

When he thought back to that day, the day he had to kill five men with his bare hands before he could get to her. Then he and Mac found a way to take out the tractor trailer truck carrying the stolen stinger missiles.

They almost died in the process. The plane they were flying in was hit and they crashed through a forest of trees. They were very lucky to survive. Somehow he didn't think the Admiral even cared.

What he hated the most afterwards was the fight they had when he said so many stupid and hurtful things and she responded by saying never.

Upon reflection he knew they both had been suffering from the crash, Webb's torture, seeing the missionaries being killed, and killing all those men. It had to have taken a toll on both of them.

He had her in the perfect position. He had told her how beautiful she was. Webb had told her he had given up everything to come after her. She was ready to talk about loving each other, they probably would have made love that night.

But like always he had his head up his six when it came to her. When was he going to learn to be honest with her. Take a chance and just say I love you and then let her decide how she wanted to respond.

He had to give Bugme credit in that department. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The worse thing that could have ever happen was she would say no. Instead saying nothing was worse because you still didn't have her.

But what really burned his six was, he should have returned home a hero, maybe even gotten another medal. Instead he was told his services were no longer required. He was selfish, ego centric, emotional, and not a team player.

Once again he had been hung out to dry by the man he respected the most in the world. A man who demanded loyalty, but obviously didn't give it in return. As far as Harm was concern, he was glad the Admiral was gone.

If he never saw the man again it would be too soon. He couldn't believe that the Admiral had left Sturgis in charge after he retired. He couldn't believe Sturgis could be so anal retentive.

Maybe that's why he was still alone in the world and no woman was willing to stay with him for more than a couple of months. Hell what guy could put up with him. Did Sturgis even have another friend besides him? If Sturgis did, he never saw him. Even that friendship had been strained for many months now.

The wedding was beautiful. Harm had the chapel filled with roses of different colors. Jack was Harm's best man. Chloe was Mac's maid of honor. They tried to keep the wedding small, but when it was all said and done they had over one hundred people attending the wedding.

The reception was held at the Officer's Club. Dancing and having a good time was the order of the day as Navy, Marines, and civilians all had a good time.

3 Sep 2004

Labor Day Weekend

Mac had her surgery. The doctors were hopeful that one day Mac would indeed be able to carry a child to full term. They cautioned her however that it would be best that she waited twelve months before trying to conceive a child.

Mac was a little disappointed because she wanted to have a child as soon as possible. She had waited eight years for Harm to tell her that he loved her and for them to get married.

She had waited eight long years to have a child with Harm. She didn't want to have to wait another year to have a child. She was a little disappointed, but happy to know that her chances of having a child had been greatly increase.

Oct 2004

Fenway Park

Boston, Ma.

Harm and Mac were watching the AL Championship game on TV. It was the fourth game of the series. The Yankees were leading the Red Sox going into the bottom of the ninth. They could see the excitement in the Yankee dugout.

They were only three outs away from sweeping the Red Sox and going back to the World Series for the first time in a few years. Mac was sad. She was rooting for the Red Sox. Ever since the Patriots won their first Super Bowl in 2002 as Destiny's Team, she began rooting for all the New England teams.

Harm didn't care who won as long as it was a good series. He had been disappointed that the Red Sox hadn't put up much of a fight. When Rivera came in to close out the game they heard Bud moaned.

Bud was rooting for the Yankees. He figured as soon as the Baseball season was over the better. He hated baseball. He was always picked last if at all when he was a kid. He preferred football.

His friends liked him when it came to football. He was always bigger than his friends. He played football in high school. He played tackle on defense. When Bud saw Rivera come in, he started having a panic attack.

The Red Sox were one of the few teams that didn't have trouble scoring runs off him. In fact they had beaten him three times already this season.

Ten minutes later the game was over. The Red Sox had rally to win the game scoring three runs in the ninth. Bud had a bad feeling that the Red Sox would win the series now.

A week later Mac was celebrating as the Red Sox proceeded to win next three games and the Championship Series. For the announcers this had been the World Series as they all believed the Cardinals had no chance of beating either the Red Sox or the Yankees.

The following week Harm and Mac were surprised to see the Admiral throwing out the first pitch of the World Series after the Marine band had played the National Anthem.

He had told them when he left that he hoped to be there in October. The camera showed him sitting next to his daughter. It brought a smile to Mac's face as she thought the Admiral for the first time in a very long time was happy.

The World Series didn't last very long. The Red Sox won the series in a four game sweep. It was an interesting scene to see a third of Busch Stadium filled with Red Sox fans with brooms. Red Sox Nation had finally been rewarded after eighty six years.

Monday

14 Feb 2005

Rabb residence

Harm and Mac were enjoying a Valentine dinner. It was their first Valentine together as a couple. They were so happy to be together. Their life together as a couple had been better than they both could have imagined. Harm had cursed himself for not marrying Mac sooner.

For Mac life was perfect. She had the man she loved. Christmas in San Diego was wonderful. The New England Patriots had won their third Super Bowl in four years as Destination Dynasty had been fulfilled.

Now she had even more wonderful news. She was two months pregnant. She was ecstatic. Harm was happy for her, but he was also concerned. The doctors had told them that they should wait at least a year before having a baby.

She was told that she could die from complications if she had child too soon. Harm told her that he would rather have her in his life and not have any children, then to have a child and lose her.

But he would support her decision either way. Mac decided she wanted to have the baby. She had listened to the doctors and knew the risk. She was satisfied that the risks were worth having a baby of her own. One that grew inside her for nine months.


	3. Chapter 3

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

part three Heartache

1 Sep 2005

Bethesda Hospital

Mac came out of the bathroom. She had been brushing her teeth after dinner when her water broke. She took a minute to towel off and change before calling Harm.

"Harm! Harm!"

Harm came bounding up the stairs two at a time. Something must be wrong, she never yelled for him to come, it wasn't dignified or Marine like. She would usually seek him out like an adventure.

"What is it Mac?" he asked upon finding her in the bedroom.

"My water broke, I'm starting to have contractions." she replied.

Mac was going into contractions. Harm was surprised, she was two or three weeks early. He couldn't remember which. He was trying to remain calm, trying not to panic, but this was a new experience for him, which meant he wasn't fully in control.

Harm gathered up all her things and took her to the Lexus. He drove her to the hospital in record time. He couldn't believe her contractions were coming so quickly. He only hoped that he got her to the hospital in time.

He got her to the emergency room where they quickly examined her before sending her upstairs to the delivery room. It wasn't long before the baby was born, it was a beautiful little girl who looked just her mommy.

The nurse cleaned her up and took her vitals before giving her to Harm to hold. But before he could fully take in his little miracle, Mac's vitals began to crash. The doctors couldn't control the bleeding.

They worked on Mac for twenty minutes without success. Finally they had to call it. Harm sank down and back into a chair in the room. He was so devastated that he began to cry. He was shaking so much that one of the nurses had to take the baby from him.

Harm sat there crying. His head now rested between his knees as he wondered what he was going to do. Sarah was his life. As much as he wanted children, he didn't want them if it meant she wasn't going to be there with him.

One of the nurses called social services. She knew Harm was in needed of help, help she wasn't able to give him. The social worker would be able to get him the grief counseling that he was going to need and any other help he would need in taking care of the baby.

Funeral arrangements would need to be arranged. Day care would be needed. He would need help taking care of the baby when she was at home. The list was endless thought the nurse. He would be in good hands though.

Twenty minutes later the social worker arrived. Her name was Valerie Sullivan. She walked over to Harm and introduced herself. She took his hand to begin the grieving process, to help him regain his composure.

"Is there anyone you want me to call Mr. Rabb?" asked Valerie.

"Yes please, please call Bud Roberts 988-369-6969." replied Harm.

"Is there anything I can do for you Sir?" asked Valerie.

"Can you bring Sarah back to me?" asked Harm.

"I'm afraid I can't Sir." replied Valerie seeing the despair on Harm's face. It was the hardest part of her job. She didn't think she would ever get use to seeing the effects of a love one dying.

It wasn't long before Bud and Harriet were at Bethesda. They didn't know exactly what happened. They assumed the woman was calling for Harm to let them know Sarah was having the baby.

When they got to room where Harm was, they were shocked at what they saw. Harm's head was almost in his lap. They could see that he had been crying. They wondered what was wrong. Was it the baby? Did the baby die?

They went over to him and sat down beside him. Harriet rubbed his back as she asked him what was wrong.

"Harm, it's me Harriet. What's wrong? Did something happen to the baby?"

"The baby is alright. It's a girl." cried Harm.

"That's wonderful Harm. Sarah wanted to have a baby girl." replied Harriet.

"Sarah died Harriet. She started bleeding and they couldn't get the bleeding to stop." cried Harm.

"I'm so sorry Harm." replied Harriet as she too began to cry.

Bud talked to the social worker. She told him that the baby was fine, but the hospital was going to keep the baby over night for a few days since she was a couple of weeks early.

Valerie thought it would be a good idea for Bud to take Harm home and for someone to stay with him. She could come by tomorrow to talk with Harm about the funeral arrangements for Sarah.

She would also look in on the baby and keep him up to date as to her condition and to let Harm know when the baby could go home. Bud thanked her for her help. He understood the difficulties everyone was going through, it wasn't that long ago he had lost baby Sarah.

The next day Harm told Bud to go home and be with his family. They needed him more than he did. He wanted to grieve for Sarah by himself. He wanted to be alone. He didn't want anyone asking him if he was alright.

Later in the day Valerie dropped by to see Harm. She wanted to see how Harm was doing and to give him an update on the baby. She knew it was going to be a difficult time for Harm. She wanted to make sure everything was taken care of.

"How are you doing today Mr. Rabb?" asked Valerie.

"It's Harm. I don't think I'm ever going to be alright." replied Harm.

"I'm very sorry about your wife Harm. In my profession I see this kind of tragedies much too often. It's heart wrenching for everyone involved. I'm here to help you in any way possible Harm." offered Valerie.

"Do you need any help with the funeral?" asked Valerie.

"No, Bud is going to handle most of the arrangements. I still have to call my mother and tell her about Sarah. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Sarah was my life for the last nine years." sobbed Harm.

"You still have the baby Harm. She's going to need you." replied Valerie as she tried to comfort Harm. "I saw her this morning before I came over here, she's beautiful."

"I can't. There is no way I can take care of a baby by myself. I can't even take care of myself right now." cried Harm.

"That's why I'm here Harm, to help you. I can help you arrange day care for your baby. I could help you find a nanny or a nurse to look after her." offered Valerie hoping to show Harm that his life wasn't over.

"You don't understand, I'm never going to be able to get over losing Sarah. I can't raise a baby, I don't ever want to see another baby." replied Harm.

"Harm!" pleaded Valerie.

"I want you to find her a good home. I want you to find two people who have wished for a child, but couldn't have one of their own." directed Harm.

"But Harm, you should wait a few weeks before you make that decision until you're feeling better." pleaded Valerie.

"That's just it, I'm never going to feel better." replied Harm.

"Okay Harm, if that's what you want. I know a private adoption agency that can take care of you. They deal with loving couples who are unable to have their own children. I'll have them get in touch with you." replied Valerie sadly.

What Harm was asking her to do wasn't unusual, but usually the grieving parent waited a couple months before asking her. She liked to give them time to get over the initial grief of losing a love one first before making such a life altering decision.

2 Sep 2005

Harm's apartment

Later that day Harm heard knocking at the door. He was hoping that he wouldn't be getting any visitors after he told Bud and Harriet that he wanted to be left alone. Maybe they wouldn't stay long if he ignored them while they were here.

When he opened the door he saw the General standing there. Just what he needed today, the mighty midget was here to offer his condolences. Why couldn't he just stay away?

"Afternoon Sir." greeted Harm.

"Commander, I'm sorry for your lost. The Colonel was an excellent Marine. She will be sorely missed." replied the General.

"I take it that Bud let you know about what happened last night Sir." asked Harm.

"I got a call from him late last night. By the way how is the little one doing?" asked the General.

"She's doing fine Sir. She looks like a little Mac." replied Harm hoping that the General would leave.

"I want you to take the next two weeks off. You need time to grieve. If you need more time after that, we talk about it." ordered the General.

"Yes Sir." replied Harm.

Wednesday

7 Sep 2005

Harm's apartment

A few days later Valerie Sullivan arrived at Harm's apartment with Mr. Isaac Newton. He was one of the heads of an adoption agency, Children for Deserving Parents. They handled private adoptions.

"Good afternoon Harm. I would like you to meet Mr. Newton. He's here to represent Children for Deserving Parents." greeted Valerie as she introduced her companion.

"Good afternoon Mr. Rabb." greeted Isaac.

"Please call me Harm. I take it you have a client who's looking to adopt a baby Sir." replied Harm.

"Yes Sir. Their names are Ellen and Roger Johnson. They are college professors who teach economics at U Mass Amherst. They have been trying to have a baby for many years, but haven't been able to." informed Isaac.

"They are about the same age as you and your wife. They have a nice little home near campus." added Valerie hoping to sell the couple.

"They sound fine. I only have one request, they have to keep her given name, Sarah Mackenzie." replied Harm.

"I'm sure that shouldn't be a problem. Sarah is a beautiful name." assured Isaac.

"Have you seen Sarah since she was born Harm?" asked Valerie. She was quite concerned about Harm, but she was also concerned about the baby. They needed daily attention and love.

"I have seen her a couple of time, they said she needed to stay for a week since she was a little early. I think you should be the one to pick her up Saturday Valerie. I won't be bringing her home." replied Harm.

"Are you sure Harm? Don't you want to bond with her just a little?" asked Valerie.

"I can't, it hurts too much right now. When Sarah died, a part of me died inside. I don't think I will ever be alive again. Thank you for coming." answered Harm as he escorted them out the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

part four Time to leave

Thursday

15 Sep 2005

General's office

Jag Headquarters

A week later Harm was in the General's office. In the limited time after Sarah's death he had been inundated with so many visits and well wishes by well meaning friends. He couldn't take it anymore.

He needed to get out Washington. He needed to leave JAG headquarters. He needed to get away from all the memories that one Sarah Mackenzie had put into his life over the last nine years.

He needed to forget, at least for a short time. He needed the pain to go away. That wasn't going to happen as long as he was at JAG headquarters. He needed to be somewhere where there wasn't anyone to remind him of Sarah and the life he lost.

"What can I do for you Commander? I'm a bit surprise to see you in here today. I thought you would be spending more time with your little girl." began the General.

"I'd like to request a transfer Sir." replied Harm.

"Why Commander? Aren't you happy here?" asked the General bluntly.

He didn't like the idea of one of his officers running away just because life was hard and he had been thrown a curve. He was already down one good officer, he didn't want to be down another.

"No Sir, it's time for me to move on. The only thing that was keeping me here at headquarters was Sarah. She's gone now Sir." replied Harm fighting hard to keep the tears from falling.

"I'm sorry for your lost Commander. The Colonel was a special lady, an outstanding Marine. She will be sorely miss." sighed the General.

"Yes Sir." replied Harm.

"It's times like this that you need your friends Commander." countered the General. He didn't want to see Harm leave. He was already down one lawyer, he didn't want to be down another.

"I can't deal with them Sir. I need space to deal with my loss. They're suffocating me. They're not allowing me the time to grieve for her. I know they all mean well, but it's too painful to be around them.

They remind me too much of what I've lost. I need to move on Sir. It doesn't matter where. Please Sir, I need this time away." pleaded Harm.

"I'll see what I can do Commander. Give me a week, I should have something by then. Why don't you go home now. I'll call you when I find anything out." replied the General.

"Yes Sir." replied Harm before he left the General's office.

The General had been surprised to see the condition the Commander was in. He looked tired and pale. He looked like he hadn't slept or eaten in two weeks. He needed help, but right now what he needed most was time.

Monday

26 Sept 2005

General's office

Jag Headquarters

Harm reported to the General's office. He had spent most of the week at home before coming back to work Friday. He had completed the adoption process. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, two college professors at U Mass Amherst, had adopted baby Rabb.

They were both in their late thirties and had wanted a child for such a long time, but they had not been able to have one. They had agreed to keep the name Sarah Mackenzie as part of the baby's name.

Harm hadn't told anyone at work about the adoption. He had never taken Sarah home with him. She had stayed at the hospital eight days until the adoption, which wasn't unusual since she had been born two weeks early.

The General had checked around the different commands to see what was available. There hadn't been much, but the best one was in London. He wanted to make sure Harm was going to a safe place considering the baby. He also wanted to give him an assignment that wouldn't take him away from her either.

"Commander Rabb reporting Sir." reported Harm.

"Have a seat Commander. I have found a good assignment for you. It's in Europe, London to be more precise." informed the General.

"Thank you Sir. I've always wanted to spend some time in Europe. It was the part of the world Sarah loved the most Sir." replied Harm. He was anxious to leave.

"How are you doing Commander? Are you getting any sleep? Are you eating?" asked the General.

"Yes Sir, I'm feeling a little better. Sleep is hard to come by, but it is getting better. I have been eating some, but I think it's still going to be awhile before my appetite returns." Harm replied solemnly.

He still couldn't sleep very long. If he did, the nightmare of losing Sarah would come back in living color. It was horrible. As much as he needed to eat, and as much as he tried to eat, he couldn't eat too much or he would throw it all up.

"There is good news Commander. With this transfer comes a promotion to Captain. You will be in charge of an investigation unit. It's part of a larger group under the Intelligence Command." added the General.

"Thank you Sir. I look forward to it. Investigations have always been what I like doing the most while I've been here at Jag." replied Harm

Saturday

1 Oct 2005

JAG Headquarters

Harm went quietly about his business for the rest of the week closing up his office. He stayed away from other people for the most part by staying in his office behind locked doors.

He had been aided by the General who had told everyone to give Harm his space so that he could grieve in private. Everyone honored the request and were taken by surprised when the General announced that Harm had transferred to London and had been promoted to Captain.

There were no goodbyes. There wasn't a farewell party to wish him luck in his new position or celebrate a promotion to Captain, a rank attained by only a few, but always by the best.

Harm's initial goal when got to London was to get his twenty in. He had only a year to go, but due to his promotion he would have to stay an additional year. He hoped the change in scenery would help him heal and be able to deal with her death.

Harm tried to stay busy. He instituted new training measures. He changed up some of the teams, promoting some to leadership position and removing others whom had a history of doing sloppy work.

He brought in people with language skills, particularly those fluent in the middle eastern languages commonly used by known Arab terrorist groups. They seem to be the ones commonly involved in military crimes in Europe.

As for his personal life he slept very little, seldom getting more than four hours of sleep a night. His appetite also was diminished. He found himself missing meals constantly due to overworking and no apparent appetite.

He had loss weight, his skin lacked its usually robust color. It seemed that he was wasting away. As much as he tried to come to terms with Sarah's death, he couldn't. He was still angry anytime that he thought about her death.

He was still unable to think about the nine wonderful years he had spent with her. All the wonderful adventures they had gone on. All the investigations they had conducted so they could get their clients acquitted.

He couldn't even think about the times that they went against each other in court where they dared the other to be better, work harder, and out think the other. He didn't know if he would ever be whole again.

The next two years were very difficult as time seemed to pass by very slowly. The days were long, the nights even longer as sleep never seemed to come. He put his retirement papers in with three months to go until he had twenty one years.

He handled all the necessary retirement paperwork. He set up a trust fund for baby Sarah. All his retirement checks would go into the trust fund along with the death benefits he had received when Sarah died.

He figured by the time the baby came of age her trust fund would be worth several million dollars since his retirement check was over seventy five thousand a year and was expected to grow at an annual rate of eight to ten percent a year.

He might not be a part of her life as she grew up, but with all due respects to Sarah, his wife, he knew she would have wanted him to ensure that their little girl would want for nothing.

He retired to the farm after he resigned. His time there was short as he put anything of value into storage at the farm. He moved Sarah, his biplane to the farm. He moved his sixty nine corvette and Mac's ninety nine corvette to the farm. He sold the Lexus and bought a used beat up truck. And then he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

part five Oblivion

12 Nov 2007

With everything taken care of Harm left the family farm. It didn't matter where he went as long as it wasn't where he had been before. He traveled the back roads each day and ending up in a bar at night.

He would drink until he couldn't see straight. Most nights the bartender would either find him a room to sleep it off or take him out to his truck where he would spend the rest of the night, picking his keys up at the bar the next day.

It was a different town every night. Some nights people left him alone in peace allowing him to drown his sorrows. Other nights young women looking for a man to spend the night with would tempt his resolve.

But Harm was a man who was grieving. He wasn't interested in being with other women, let alone sleeping with them. He wanted to be left alone. They would pester him and he would resist.

Occasionally this would draw the attention of other men who would take advantage of the situation. They would pretend to be watching out for the honor of the scorn women, but in reality they were looking to bed them themselves.

They thought the women would appreciate the fact that they were defending their honor and go home with them afterward. Most of the men were big men or they thought they were.

But Harm wasn't exactly small standing six feet four inches. Most of the men approached Harm and challenged him while he was usually sitting down on a barstool. But when Harm stood up, they usually took a step back acknowledging his superior height advantage.

But in most cases they weren't too concerned because they thought Harm was two sheets to the wind. They thought Harm would have difficulties standing on his two feet never mind fighting them. They would get in Harm's face challenging him to apologize to the little women.

They figured Harm would back down and apologize to the young women, but Harm with his military training wouldn't back down to any of them. He recognized even in his drunken state that most of vocalizations was just that, posturing. Puny attempts to impress the young women.

It usually took a couple of punches and a kick or two before he had the cantankerous adversary lying on the floor half unconscious and not willing to get up. The lucky ones had the young women tending to their wounds.

Harm kept this process up for the next two years. Occasionally he would stop drinking for a short while to work. It was during this time his appetite would return. He would eat better for awhile as he regained some of the loss weight and strength that he had loss.

But it wouldn't last for long. Before too long his mind would drift back to thinking about Mac and to how she died. He would begin drinking again. And the whole process would begin all over again.

12 May 2011

Bar Circle Cattle Ranch

outside Billings Montana

A few years later Harm found himself at a cattle ranch. He had been sober for almost three months and was ready for some hard physical work to get himself back in shape. The owner had asked him if he had ever worked on a ranch before.

He had given Harm the once over and thought he was rather thin to be a ranch hand. Harm had told him no, but he was good with his hands and had ridden horses when he was young. He wasn't looking to get rich, he was only looking to work hard.

The owner, Drew Bledsoe, decided to give Harm an opportunity. He was after all short a few ranch hands. He showed Harm the bunkhouse and introduced him to the foreman, Bob Johnson.

Over the next six months Harm settled in. It was hard work. He was tired at the end of the day, but it felt good to be alive again. The food wasn't the greatest, but it did helped him regained the twenty five pounds he had lost during his drinking phase.

Then one late date in Autumn Harm went into a large barn that looked like it might have at one time been a hanger. He had seen the barn before, but had never been inside. What he found there surprised him.

It was a small plane capable of carrying four people. We wondered why he hadn't seen anyone flying it. It would be perfect to use during round up to help locate any strays. He imagined it could also be used to travel to Boise or Helena on business or to pick up supplies not readily available in town.

"What's the story with the plane Drew?" asked Harm.

"It doesn't fly anymore. The engine won't turn over. It would cost too much to replace the engine." replied Drew.

"You mind if I take a look at it?" asked Harm. Working on the plane would help him finally recover from his tormented life of the last few years. He would be able to go home and start over.

"You know something about planes?" asked Drew.

"I own a stearman. I also flew tomcats for the Navy in another lifetime." smiled Harm. It was the first time he thought about the past without throwing up.

"Go right ahead. There are tools in the hanger. I believe that there are spare parts and such there too." replied Drew. Harm had been a remarkable hire. He never complained about anything. He always did as he was told. Navy man huh.

Harm examined the plane. It looked reasonably good in his estimation. He then lifted the engine out of the plane and put it on a workbench. He had two younger men who were interested in helping him.

Harm drained the oil, at least that was what it was supposed to be. It looked more like sludge. Harm ran six quarts of oil through the engine, filtering the contaminated oil several times afterward. He repeated the process seven or eight times before he was getting back as much as he was putting in.

He then ran some clean oil through the engine until he was satisfied the engine was clean. He replaced the sparked plugs, cleaned the carburetor. He hooked up a battery to the engine so that he could crank the engine over.

The two young men were impressed with the due diligence Harm put into repairing the engine. They were also surprised that Harm would take the time to explain things to them. It was almost as simple as taking care of a car engine.

When everything was done, Harm put the engine back into the plane. He went through a checklist before getting inside to start the engine. He gave the men a thumb's up when the engine came to life purring like a kitten.

They opened the hanger doors before Harm engaged the engines for the plane to move forward. He taxied the plan out into the yard. Drew and a bunch of the ranch hands came running out of the bunkhouse when they heard the roar of the engine.

"You got her running." exclaimed Drew.

"Nothing a little TLC couldn't handle. It helps if you change the oil once in a while." replied Harm.

"Is she ready to fly?" asked Drew.

"I'd like to taxi her up and down the runway a few times to see if she holds together. Then we can see if she'll fly again." smiled Harm.

After fifteen minutes Drew joined Harm in the cockpit. Somehow the cockpit looked small with the two of them in it. Drew was a big man. He stood six foot six and weighed almost two hundred and fifty pounds.

"You want to take the helm?" asked Harm. It was Drew's plane after all.

"No, you're the one who got her running again. You should have the honors to see if she flies." smiled Drew.

"Okay, here we go. May there always be angles on our wings." prayed Harm hoping that there wouldn't be any problems.

It wasn't long before they were off the ground and in the air flying. Harm could feel himself coming alive. It had been a long time since he had flown anything. He was feeling better than he had in a long time.

Drew could see the contentment on Harm's face. He knew that Harm was where he belonged, high in the sky, flying. He had watched Harm come back to life in the months he had been here. Maybe whatever had been bothering him was a thing of the past.

"Your turn." Harm offered Drew the stick.

"That's alright, you seem to be enjoying yourself." replied Drew.

"I am, but it's your plane. You should fly it. Besides getting her running again is what is making me feel good right now. It was working on my father's stearman after my crash many years ago that made me whole again." smiled Harm.

"You're an amazing man Harm. Is there anything you can't do?" asked Drew.

"Yeah, but I can't tell you Drew. By the way I wrote up a maintenance schedule for you. I think Ivan can do the job for you. He's been a mechanic before. He'll do a good job." replied Harm.

15 June 2013

Harm continued on at the ranch for a couple of more years. He liked being there. It was honest hard work. He didn't have to spend much time thinking about things.

One day though he noticed that Drew appeared to be anxious about something. He knew something must be wrong. He had gotten to know him pretty well during his time here.

"What's wrong Drew?"

"I got this letter from a lawyer. It says that I am not the rightful owner of this ranch. It says that the ranch belongs to a Mr. Gregory Henderson."

"What's the basis for his claim? Does he have some old forgotten deed?" asked Harm.

"It says he has a deed dating back to 1838." replied Drew.

"When did you or your family acquire the ranch?" asked Harm. He was beginning to feel his investigative juices beginning to flow.

"It's been in the family for three generations. My grandfather bought the ranch in 1889. We've own the ranch for one hundred and twenty four years." replied Drew.

"Let me see what I can find out Drew. It's unusual for someone to make a claim after so many years. My guess is they came across an old homestead deed somewhere.

The original deed holder probably gave up after a few years. The land was then deeded again to either your grandfather or the man he bought it from." explained Harm.

"How do you know so much about land deeds?" asked Drew.

"I don't really, but I have done some title research before. Most of the time it's pretty clear who owned the land, when it was sold, and who actually owned it." smiled Harm.

"Don't tell me you were a lawyer?" asked Drew in amazement.

"It was my second career in the Navy after I couldn't fly tomcats anymore." smiled Harm.

"You continue to amaze me Harm. Is there no limit to your ability?" asked Drew.

"I don't believe in limitations. I only believe in the truth." replied Harm smiling.

Harm spent the next few weeks looking through the county land court records. He found some interesting information. It seems that a Mr. Henrick homestead the land for five years, before he was killed by Indians.

The land went back to the government at that point. Fourteen years later in 1857 a Mr. Swenson homestead the land for three years. It was reported that he went back east to fight in the Civil War where he was killed a year later.

The land once again went back to the government. It wasn't until 1880 when another person decided to homestead the land. His name was Mr. Charles Henderson. At least he found a name that gave Gregory Henderson some claim to the land.

But according to land records he sold the land to a Henry Bledsoe in 1889 confirming what Drew had told him. Now he had to check with the county office to see who paid the taxes for the last hundred and fifty years.

"It's all taken care of Drew. I checked with the land courts and the county court. It seems that when your family bought the land in 1889, they paid all back taxes dating to 1865. They have paid all the taxes every year since 1889.

"The ranch is yours. Mr. Henderson doesn't have a claim. I've talked to his lawyer and the courts. They have dropped their claim." smiled Harm.

"Thank you so much Harm. I don't know how to thank you enough. It has been a very stressful time for the family." sighed Drew in relief.

"Don't worry about it. If anything I should be thanking you. It's been a long time since I have felt this good about myself. Fixing the airplane brought me back to life. Working on this land case has given me back my zest for life. For the first time in a long time, I'm whole." replied Harm.

"Does this mean that you will be leaving?" asked Drew.

"I believe so. It's time for me to go home and get back to my life. I want to thank you for throwing me a lifeline. If you ever need my help just give me a call." smiled Harm as he gave Drew a card with his name, address, and telephone number.

Harm returned to the family farm a few months later. He spent the next six months studying for the Pennsylvania Bar Exam. It had been eight years since he last practiced law. He wanted to open a small practice to help people in need.


	6. Chapter 6

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

_Author's note: the pain is over, the future begins, time to bond over the next few chapters_

part six The child

15 Sep 2021

Johnson Residence

Amherst, Ma.

It had been sixteen years since the day that Ellen and Roger Johnson's life changed. A beautiful baby girl only a few weeks old became a very important part of their lives.

They had tried for many years to have a child of their own, but had been unsuccessful. Soon after the adoption they did have a child of their own, a baby boy born two years later.

The baby's father had only one request, that she be name after her mother, Sarah MacKenzie. It was a fair request that they could easily honor. He had given them the greatest gift anyone could give them, a baby.

It had been a wonderful sixteen years. Sarah grew very quickly. She was always one of the tallest girl in her class. She was taller than Ellen by the time she was ten and was now approaching five feet ten or eleven.

She was also very intelligent, getting all A's. Currently she was in the top five in the class of 2023. She was captain of the Volleyball, basketball, and softball team.

Roger realized that soon it would be time for Sarah to begin looking for her father. He had talked to her about it a few years ago when he and Ellen had told Sarah that she was adopted.

They promised her that she could try to find out about her biological parents after she graduated from high school. That day was fast approaching.

Roger thought it was time to begin the search for Sarah's real parents. He already knew that her mother, Sarah MacKenzie had died giving birth to Sarah. He also knew that her father's name was Harmon Rabb Jr.

He had been in the Navy. It would be a good place to start. He found out through his congressman that Harm had retired from the Navy in 2007 after twenty one years of service. He had attained the rank of Captain.

He had disappeared for many years before finally resurfacing again in Belleville, Pa. on his family's farm a few years ago. He had opened a law practice.

He founds out that both her parents had been in the military. They had been lawyers and had led very interesting lives. They had many adventures and were considered two of the best people who ever served in the military.

21 Jan 2023

Johnson Residence

Amherst, Ma.

Mackenzie walked into the house. She had picked up the mail from the mailbox. She was excited. She had a packet from Princeton. Judy had told her that if a college accepted you, you would get a packet. If they were rejecting you, you would only get a letter.

She opened the packet and saw a orientation booklet along with a letter. She read the letter. It said that Princeton would be honored to have her attend. They were greatly impress with her grades, SATs, her athletic accomplishments, and her contributions in the community.

"Mother! Mother!" Mackenzie yelled out.

"What is it dear?" asked her mother as she came from the laundry room.

"I got in! Princeton accepted me." exclaimed Mackenzie.

"That's wonderful dear, I knew you would." her mother smiled.

2 Jun 2023

The day had come. Sarah Mackenzie Johnson graduated from high school. She was the class Valedictorian. She gave an inspiring speech about the hopes of tomorrow and the desire that everyone achieved their goals, whatever they might be.

She had a graduation party that included many of her friends. Many of her friends who would be attending U Mass Amherst. They would have classes with her parents since they taught at U Mass.

It was a very happy day for Mackenzie. A chapter of her life was over. There were many more to live starting with finding her father. She had waited a long time to find him. Now was that time.


	7. Chapter 7

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

_Author's note: the pain is over, the future begins, time to bond over the next few chapters_

part seven The Visitation

5 June 2023

Johnson Residence

Sarah Mackenzie Johnson, affectionately known as Kenzie, had just graduated from high school. It was time to find her real father. The Johnsons told her when she was about ten that they had been adopted her when she was a baby. It hadn't really surprised her that much, after all she didn't look like anyone else in the family.

At first she thought her mother may have remarried, but that wasn't the case. Her parents sat her down and explained the facts of life to her. Her birth mother had died giving birth to her.

Her biological father had given her up because he couldn't raise her, he was grieving for his wife. They adopted her with the provision that they kept her name, Sarah Mackenzie. It was her mother's name.

They had been trying for many years to have a baby so they had no problem with her being named Sarah Mackenzie. The adoption was made official a month later.

"Mom, it's time." Kenzie told her mother.

"Time for what Kenzie?" her mother asked.

"It's time for me to find my real father. You promised me I could look for him after I graduated from high school. I have three months before college starts." she pleaded.

"Are you sure you want to do this Kenzie?" her mother asked.

"I need to know him Mom. You know I love you and Dad, but I need to know where I came from. Do I look like my mother or do I look like my father? Who are or were they? What did they do? Do I share the same interest that they do?" she whined.

"I know you do sweetie. When we adopted you we attended sessions about the needs of adopted children when they came of age. Your dad has done a little research. We know your father was Harmon Rabb Jr. He was a Captain in the Navy. He retired after twenty one years.

He's semi retired now and living in Belleville, Pa. It's about a six hour bus ride." her mother answered uneasily. While she understood her daughter's need to find out about her biological parents, it didn't make it any easier to let her do it.

"When can I go?" she asked.

"Saturday would probably be the best day. He's more likely to be home. I want you to promise me that you will call me when you get there okay Kenzie." answered her mother.

She knew this could be a life altering experience for her little girl. Her father would either accept her or reject her. She hoped her little girl wouldn't meet with disappointment.

That was a strange thought these days. Mackenzie stood almost a head taller than she did. She was a small woman, standing only five feet two inches. Mackenzie was pushing six feet. She was taller than she was when she was only ten years old.

"Yes Mom. I will, I promise." she replied. She hugged her mother tightly.

Several days later Mackenzie left her home in Amherst, Ma. She boarded the bus in the center of town. According to the bus schedule the bus would arrive in a small town five miles south of Belleville at one o'clock.

She hoped to take a cab the rest of the way to her father's farm in Belleville. She became more nervous the closer she got to the farm. She was lost in thought when the cab came to a stop in front of a large two storied building.

She paid the fare and got out to walk up the walkway to the house. It was beautiful. It had a large wrap around porch in the front. The area around the porch was well landscaped with bushes, flowers, and ... roses.

They were beautiful. There were many different colors and sizes. She could picture spending the rest of her life here. She saw a large barn a hundred yards away. She wondered what he kept in there.

She knocked on the door and waited. It seemed to her that she waited forever, but it was only a couple minutes. She wondered if he would even recognized her. Would he know her? How would he greet her when he didn't know who she was?

A few minutes later a very tall good looking gray-haired man open the door. She felt like letting out a whistle. If he was her father then she must look like her mother. She couldn't believe how tall he was. He looked as tall as Tommy Peterson, who was six foot five.

Harm looked at the young woman standing on the porch in front of him. She looked like his Sarah did so many years ago. She was so beautiful. She looked to be as tall, but a little heavier, more muscular than his Sarah.

She must be their daughter. He did a quick calculation in his head. She appeared to be about the right age. His Sarah would be so proud of how her little girl had grown up.

"You must be Sarah." he greeted her.

"You know me? Are you my father?" she asked timidly. Her heart was racing a mile a minute.

"If you're Sarah Mackenzie Johnson." he was surprised that he remembered her adopted name.

"Yes I am, how did you know?" she asked in amazement.

"You look as beautiful as your mother." he replied before giving her a smile no one had seen in nearly twenty years.

Mackenzie just about swooned when she saw his smile. Her knees felt so weak. Then she smiled in return when she realized he said she was beautiful like her mother.

"You have a smile as beautiful as your mother. I could never refuse her anything. Why don't you come in and sit for awhile. I'll fix us some lunch. How long are you here for?" he asked.

"I'll like to stay a week or two if that's alright Dad?" she replied giving him one of her adorable smiles she hope he couldn't refuse.

"I would like to get to know you and my Mom."

"You're welcome to stay as long as you like Sarah. I'd like to get to know you too." he replied before giving her a big hug. He took her bag and placed it by the stairs.

"I'll show you to a room after lunch." he smiled. He hadn't felt this alive in years.

"Do you mind if I call my Mom to let her know that I arrived here safely? I promised her that I would." she asked.

"Of course you can Sarah. Your mother use to make me promise her all the time. She knew I wouldn't break a promise I made to her." he replied as she laughed.

Well that had been true for much of their time together. He had never broken a promise to her that he could help, but that all changed the night his marine died. There was no way he could take care of the baby if Sarah wasn't there with him.

While Harm finished making lunch Mackenzie called her mother. She was excited that Harm had welcomed her without reservations. The phone ran for a few minutes before her mother answered it.

"Hello, Mrs. Johnson speaking."

"Hi Mom, it's me Mackenzie. I've arrived at the farm." she began.

"How was your trip Kenzie? Have you met him yet?" her mother asked curiously.

"It was long Mom and very tiring. And yes, I have met him. He's great. He's very tall and handsome. He has beautiful blue eyes. And his smile is unbelievable. I almost swooned when he smiled. He must have been a ladies man when he was younger." she replied excitedly.

Harm was walking into the room when he heard the last comment. He had to smile. It was true he had been a lady's man, but there were no ladies in his life now. Sarah was the only one who ever had his heart.

"Lunch is ready Miss Sarah!" he bellowed with a smile.

"Bye Mom, I'll call you later to let you know when I will be home. "Oh Mom! He knew who I was when he saw me. He says I'm as beautiful as my mother." she chirped.

After lunch they sat down to look at some photo albums. He had dug them out of the attic. Mac had collected enough photos to put into albums that would take at least a week to look through.

Everywhere they ever went people took photos of them. Sometimes they were of them together, other times they were separate when they were involved in something and weren't aware the photo had been taken.

Mackenzie loved looking through the albums. It gave her insight into who her parents were. They appeared to her two people forever in love. Even the first photo ever taken of them together showed the love between them.

It seemed interesting to her there was always someone around taking candid photos of them. Many of the photos were of them having fun together doing so many different things. But what was amazing to her was all the photos that showed them gazing at the other lovingly.

One thing that she noticed that piqued her interest was the many different hairstyles her mother had worn over the years. She counted fifteen distinct style.

In all her teenage years when she had full control, she only wore her hair one way, long and tied into a pony tail. She was beginning to see why her mother suggested other ways for her to wear her hair.

She always told her that having excess hair only distracts from a beautiful face. Now she understood what her mother meant. Her mom looked beautiful with every style she wore her hair in.

"I notice that you and mom standing in front of a yellow bi-plane in some of these pictures. Did you fly?" she asked.

"It belonged to my father. We were going to rebuild her, but he went MIA when I was five. I rebuild her myself as therapy after I crashed in ninety one. Your mother and I use to go flying once a month when the weather was good." he sighed in remembrance of happier times.

"You crashed!" she cried out in alarmed.

"Yeah, I was a top gun pilot in the Navy during the first Desert Storm. I flew Tomcats. One stormy dark night I developed the inability to see properly. I crashed killing my RIO and severely injuring myself.

I became a lawyer after that. I still flew a few times a year after that." he replied.

"How did you meet my mother?" she asked.

"She was a lawyer too. There was a big case that she was called in on. It was rocky at first because she was a Marine. Marines don't like sailors very well. And added to that she look like a dead girlfriend who had just died." he sighed once more.

"She was a Marine? Where did you meet her." she asked excitedly.

"We met in a rose garden, the White House Rose Garden in fact. I had just receive a DFC for saving the life of the CAG during a time of war. I hadn't flown in five years." he replied. It was the most important day of his life.

"Wow! That sounds so romantic! I can't wait to tell my friends. Is that why there are so many roses planted around the house." she exclaimed.

"Yes, well the story goes like this. I was walking along with the Admiral. We came up behind her as she turned around. The Admiral introduced us. She offered to shake hands. She gave me one of your beautiful little smiles.

I froze. I stood there looking at her. She was wearing one of those dreadful marine green uniform with the funny looking cover. But all I saw was the most beautiful woman in the world who looked like my dead girlfriend who had just died a few months ago.

She said I looked deep into her eyes finding her troubled soul that day. It wasn't long before we were very close friends who love each other's company. I think we knew each other better than we knew ourselves." he moaned with sorrow.

"Wow! That is an awesome story Dad. Do you still fly?" she asked.

"Not very often anymore. I still have the yellow Stearman. It's name by the way is 'Sarah' after my grandmother, but your mother always thought I painted her name on the plane to get special attention from her." he smiled.

"We can take her up while you're here if you like." he smiled.

"That would be awesome Dad! Billy will be so jealous." she smiled in return.

"Who's Billy?" he asked.

"He's my shorter younger brother. He's sixteen. He wants to be a aviator in the Navy. He wants to go to the Naval Academy." she answered.

"I went to the Naval Academy as my father did. He married my mother in the Academy Chapel. Your Mom and I got married there too." he added.

"So what do your friends call you Sarah?" asked Harm.

"I used to go by Sarah when I was little, but then when I was around eleven, I wanted to be call Mackenzie. It sounded somehow more special. Later it got shorten to Kenzie, which is what everyone calls me now." she replied.

"Your mom's name was Sarah Mackenzie. She liked to be call Mac. She was a Marine. She didn't think a Marine should be called Sarah. She also didn't want any special treatment. She thought Mac was more gender neutral. She demanded respect from everyone.

But as you have seen in some of these photos, she was more than just a Marine, she was a very beautiful woman, and even the uniform couldn't hide that fact." Harm once again sighed in memory of his strong willed marine.

Over the next week and a half Harm spent all his free time with Mackenzie. They went flying in Sarah three or four times. Harm gave her flying lessons. Mackenzie took to flying like a fish takes to water.

In no time she was an expert. There was no better feeling for her than to have the wind blowing through her long beautiful brown hair. Harm and Mackenzie also spent time taking long walks around the farm.

He told her stories about their adventures in Europe, Russia, South America, Central Asia, Japan, and Australia.

For the first time in nearly twenty years Harm finally felt fully alive again. Meeting his daughter was like a tonic. It fed nourishment to his tormented soul, a soul that had long ago resigned itself to a life of no love or hope.

Before she left to go home she remember something Harm had told her about her mother. Whenever she wanted Harm to do something she made him promise her. She made him promise her that he would come to visit her during the fourth of July weekend.


	8. Chapter 8

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

_Author's note: the pain is over, the future begins, time to bond over the next few chapters_

part eight Reunion

Saturday

1 July 2023

A few weeks later Harm packed up the SUV with some of Mac's possessions to give to Mackenzie. It was time to share some of his memories and a part of her with their daughter and her family.

There were albums, books, some old uniforms, and some of her favorite dresses and gowns. It was time for someone to enjoy them. He was ready to let go because there was someone new to remember her.

He decided to drive to Amherst, Ma. in Mac's 1999 red corvette convertible. He wanted to give it to Mackenzie. It would be something Mac would have wanted him to do. It would give Mackenzie more insight into who her mother was.

Before he left he called his old buddy Jack Keeter to drive his SUV to Amherst for him. The corvette was too small to carry everything he wanted to give to Mackenzie. He would ride back home with Jack after the long weekend.

Jack would get a kick at seeing his daughter who looked so much like Diane and Mac. He would put on a show about knowing her and wondering how after all these years she still looked so young and beautiful. Jack was a good story teller.

He would earn his keep by telling the family stories about Navy life aboard aircraft carriers. He also knew Mac and could tell Mackenzie some things that he couldn't.

They arrived at the Johnson estate shortly after 1400 hours. He beeped the horn to let Mackenzie know that they had arrived. She came running out of the house with Billy right behind her. She was surprised to see the car.

"Wow! What a nice looking car!" exclaimed Billy as he and his sister stopped in front of the vintage corvette convertible.

Harm smiled as slowly got out of the car. He was getting old and he couldn't move as well as he once did.

"Is that your car Dad?" asked Mackenzie as she saw another man walk up behind her father.

"No, this was your mother's car. It's a 1999 corvette convertible." He replied. "They don't make these anymore. By the way this is my buddy Jack Keeter. We were in the Navy together."

By this time Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had come outside. Mr. Johnson whistled when he saw the corvette. He had always wanted to own one himself, but it wasn't practical when you have two small kids.

"You must be Sarah Mackenzie. I don't know how you do it, but you look as beautiful as the day you broke me out of an Iranian jail and the week we spent crossing the dessert to Turkey. How have you stayed looking so young?" smiled Jack as he kissed her hand.

Mackenzie blushed at the flattering compliment. He thought she was her mother. How wonderful that made her feel. She also was surprised by his charismatic attitude as he kissed her hand.

"My mother drove a corvette?" exclaimed Kenzie completely surprised. "I thought you said she was a marine."

"She was a marine. She even drove an old Cherokee jeep for awhile." chuckled Harm.

"Then she met Harm and she became a free spirit." laughed Jack.

"It's yours now Sarah. I know Mac would have wanted you to have it." offered Harm.

"Can I keep it?" Kenzie asked Mother Johnson with a pleading look.

"I don't know. It's pretty expensive and it could attract trouble. Besides it could also affect any scholarships that you might receive this year." replied Mrs. Johnson.

"Mother, it might be too much car for her right know, but when she graduates from college she'll be ready to drive it responsibly." offered Mr. Johnson.

"I don't want you to worry about her education Mrs. Johnson. Mac and I set up a trust fund for her when we heard about her pregnancy. My mother and her husband also set up a trust fund for her. Money will never be an issue for her. We can talk about it later." informed Harm.

"Why don't we go out back on the porch Harm. You and Jack must be tired from your trip. We have arranged to have drinks and lunch." offered Mr. Johnson.

They all went around the house to the back porch. They enjoyed the late lunch talking about different things. They gave a short history of Mackenzie's life, what her plans for the future were.

"What about you Bill? What do you want to do when you get older?" asked Harm. He knew the answer, but he wanted to hear it from him.

"I want to go to the Naval Academy and then I want to become a fighter pilot." replied Billy. Finally something interesting to talk about.

"Jack and I both went to the Naval Academy. It's pretty tough to get into. It's even tougher to last four years there. You can't be a dummy." smiled Harm.

"I could be persuaded to write you a letter of recommendation if you meet the standards."

"Really! That would be great!" exclaimed Billy.

"You know Jack was a fighter pilot. I'm sure he would be willing to talk to you about what it takes to become one." smiled Harm. He wanted the Johnsons to know he was thinking about Billy, not just Mackenzie.

"I would be honor to talk with you Bill. I flew for over twenty years and flew every type of jets there was. But I wasn't the best, Harm was. He was a top gun, something I never quite did." replied Jack.

Harm reached into a bag he had with him and pulled out a cover and tossed it to Billy.

"This was the cover I wore when I became Captain. And here are the wings I wore. They were my father's. They're yours Bill. You can wear them when you become a pilot." smiled Harm.

The afternoon was beginning to get late when Mrs. Johnson noticed that her little girl was in need of something.

"What's up Kenzie? You look a little upset."

"Tommy Peterson just called, he's invited me to a Ball on the fourth. I don't have anything to wear. You know I don't have that many dresses, but even if I had more I don't think any of them would be good enough to wear to a ball." wailed Kenzie.

"It's kind of late to be looking for gowns to wear especially on a holiday weekend." replied Mrs. Johnson.

"I may be able to help you Sarah. I was looking through a lot of Mac's old things after your visit. I brought some of her things with me for you to have. Mac and I use to attend many formal events.

She needed to have many gowns. I brought a few of them with me. They are in the SUV." offered Harm.

"You have already given her so much Harm. We can't expect you to give or buy her gowns too." replied Mrs. Johnson.

"Nonsense Mrs. Johnson, they were Mac's gowns. She would have wanted Sarah to have them. I have no use for them. I kept them because I couldn't throw anything that reminded me of her away. I want her to have them." replied Harm.

"Come with me Bill and help me bring them into the house for your sister." ordered Harm.

Bill and Mackenzie went with Harm to his SUV. They were amazed to see everything he brought. The SUV was pack with things that had belong to Mac.

"I only brought ten of her gowns with me. Mac has many more, which you can have, but I think these will do for now. These were my favorite ones to see her in." smiled Harm.

"Thank you Dad. I will treasure them always." cried Kenzie.

They took them inside to her bedroom.

"Why don't you look them over and try on the one you like best. Then you can model it for your parents." offered Harm.

A short time later Mackenzie walked outside with the gown of her choice. It was a beautiful burgundy red mid length gown. It hugged her body in all the right places. Everyone but Harm was stunned to see how beautiful she looked.

"Wow sis! You look beautiful." exclaimed Billy.

"Mom, dad?" asked Kenzie looking for confirmation.

"You look beautiful dear. Tommy will be floored when he sees you." replied Mrs. Johnson.

"She looks like Mac Harm. She would have been so proud of her." offered Jack.

"It's a little tight around the waist." said Kenzie.

"I'm sure we can let it out a little sweetie. Many of the very good gowns have some extra material." replied Mrs. Johnson.

"You're a little taller than Mac was. She used to model when she was your age. Models usually are thinner than everyone else. I think you have my bones." smiled Harm.

While Mackenzie was upstairs changing out of her gown Harm decided to talk to the Johnsons about the trust funds that had been set up for Mackenzie.

"While Sarah is upstairs I wanted to talk to you about the trust funds that were set up for her when she was born." began Harm. It was a sensitive subject, but it needed to be talked about.

"That's not necessary Harm. You have already given her so much." replied Mrs. Johnson.

"Hardly Mrs. Johnson, I have missed out on eighteen years of her life. I have a lot more of Mac's stuff back at the farm. She would have wanted Sarah to have them. As for the trust funds, Mac and I were lawyer.

One of the things we did for many of the Marines and Sailors was to help them with their estates planning in case they were killed in action. It was something we thought to do after we got married.

We originally put fifty thousand dollars in the trust fund. Then after Mac's death, I put in all her death and survivor benefits. After I retired from the Navy, I placed all my retirement checks into the trust fund.

The trust fund is now worth over three million dollars." smiled Harm.

"What! Wow! That's a lot of money." whistled Mr. Johnson.

"The trust fund my mother set up for Sarah is now worth about ten million dollars." added Harm.

"That's too much Harm. We can't let you do that. It doesn't seem right." argued Mrs. Johnson who was feeling a little small.

While she and her husband had work hard all their life to provide for Mackenzie and Billy, they were fortunate to keep a roof over their head and save enough money to pay for tuition for their kids.

"This isn't a contest Ellen. You were a lifesaver eighteen years ago. I was in no position to take care of Sarah after Mac died. I barely managed to put the last two years in for my retirement.

When I got out of the Navy I went on a bender for nearly five years before I slowly got my life back together. That was another five years. I've been practicing law again the last six years.

There is no amount of money that I can give Sarah to make up for the eighteen years that you have been her parents. You have done an excellent job and should be proud of the young lady she has become." explained Harm. He was a lawyer, he was not going to lose this argument.

"I know it sounds like a lot of money, but it really isn't for me. My step father left me over one hundred million dollars when he died. I inherited a hundred acre farm worth over ten million dollars from my grandmother when she died.

So you can see money isn't an issue for me. Eventually it's all going to go to Sarah anyway. So right now the trust fund is small potatoes." Harm completed his explanation.

"Thank you Harm. I feel better knowing that what you have done is what any parent would do for their child, ensure that they will have a future when they are gone." replied Mr. Johnson.

They spent the next hour looking through the photo album Harm had brought with him. It showed them what kind of woman his Sarah MacKenzie was. She enjoyed her life as a Marine and as a woman with many friends.

Mac had arranged the photos according to the different phases of her life while she was at JAG. One section showed the different activities she participated in, Of course Harm was in many of those photos.

Another section showed her with Harm at the many different social events that they had attended. There were so many different gowns of different colors. Most of them showed Harm and Mac dancing together chin to chin.

Mrs. Johnson didn't have to wonder why her daughter was so beautiful. Mac was truly a very beautiful woman who lit up a room whenever she entered. She envied Mac for being so beautiful and having such long lines.


	9. Chapter 9

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

_Author's note: the pain is over, the future begins, time to bond over the next few chapters_

part nine Unexpected surprise

They had gone out front to sit on the porch later that afternoon. There was a nice summer breeze blowing and the sun was on the other side of the house. Harm and Jack were drinking a beer with the Johnsons while Mackenzie was upstairs in her room trying on some of the dresses Harm had brought.

Harm noticed a woman walking up the driveway and stopped in front of the corvette. She checked the inside of the car before standing up. Harm felt like whistling as she was a fine looking young lady. Then he heard her speak.

"So this is where my car disappeared to. I wondered what happened to it. I couldn't find it anywhere when I returned to the states."

She knew Harm was on the porch. She had seen him as she drove up. She would know figure anywhere. Jack had called her this morning telling her where they were going. He didn't know the exact location until they had arrived here.

He had excused himself an hour ago to call her again to give her more detailed directions to the house.

"Mac?" said Harm as he heard a voice he hadn't heard in eighteen years. It couldn't be he thought. She was dead. How could she be here now? It did look like her.

He got out of his chair and leap down the steps in one stride and was at Mac's side in less than three seconds.

Billy looked on in surprise. He was surprised that an old man could moved that fast, but then there was an older woman standing there in their driveway that looked a lot liked his sister. He quickly went inside to get her.

The Johnsons didn't know what to think. They were shocked and couldn't move. Jack meanwhile looked on and smiled like the cat that ate the canary.

"You're getting a little slow flyboy." smiled Mac as she gave him one of her most beautiful smiles.

"What are you doing here Mac? They told me you were dead." exclaimed Harm as he gabbed her to make sure she was real. He then took her in his arms and hugged her.

"Easy there Sailor, I'm not as pliable as I use to be. I'm a little more fragile now. Jack called me this morning. He told me you called and that you wanted him to drive to Massachusetts with him.

Where have you been? I have been looking for you since I got back from the middle east thirteen years ago." replied Mac.

"They told me you died after our baby girl was born. I couldn't handle it for a long time. I wandered aimlessly for many years before I finally ended up in Montana. It was a cattle ranch.

I tended cattle for awhile until I saw an old plane in one of the barns. I asked the owner if he flew and whether or not the plane flew. He told me he hadn't flown in a few years because the plane didn't run any more.

I offered to look at it and got it running. Even flew it a few times. I knew then it was time for me to get back to my life. I work part time as a lawyer. I'm living at my grandmother's farm. She died about fifteen years ago." replied Harm.

"I almost did die. Webb and his people somehow got to me before I died. I was in a coma for six months. When I woke up Webb told me the baby had died and you were gone. He said you were devastated and had left the Navy.

He convinced me to work for the CIA and Naval Intelligence in the Middle East since I was fluent in Arabic and Farsi. I stayed until I had my twenty plus one.

When I returned to the states I checked every place that I knew where I thought you might be. You weren't in Washington. You weren't in La Jolla. I even checked the farm and you weren't there either.

So I moved back to Arizona to take care of my uncle and mother before they died a couple of years ago. Jack called me at 0500 hours this morning. He told me you called. I took a flight to New York City and rented a car." replied Mac.

Meanwhile inside the house Billy was trying to get Mackenzie's attention. He thought she would want to see the woman who had just arrived.

"Kenzie! Kenzie! Open up, I have to talk to you." yelled Billy.

"What do you want Billy? I'm busy trying on some my mother's dresses." she answered back.

"There's a woman outside. She looks like you. I heard Harm call her Mac!" explained Billy.

"My mother is here?" she exclaimed as she opened the door.

"I don't know. Harm said she was dead, but she sure looks like the woman in the pictures." Billy replied as they hurried down the stairs and unto the porch.

"I'll kill him if I ever see him again. The pain he has caused me ... and you. I have missed you so much Sarah. I felt like dying when they told me you were dead I was dead inside for so many years." cried Harm.

"I felt that way too when Webb told me that the baby died. I wanted to crawl up inside myself and die, but Webb convinced me to work for him." replied Mac.

"Our little girl didn't die Sarah. I gave her up for adoption shortly after she was born. It's one of the reasons I'm here today. She came to visit me a few weeks ago and invited me here for the holiday." corrected Harm.

"I'll kill him if I see him again." murmured Mac.

"Do you want to see her? Her name is Sarah Mackenzie Johnson." asked Harm.

Tears were forming in her eyes as she nodded her head. For so many years she felt like less of a woman because she hadn't given life to her daughter when she was born. Now she had the chance to see her. Harm turned her to the porch.

Mac looked up and saw the most beautiful young lady in the world. She couldn't believe how beautiful her daughter looked. She was full grown and quite tall. She also noticed that she was wearing one of her expensive dresses.

"Now you know why your car is here Sarah. Your baby girl is here and she is all grown up. Go on, go up and see her, talk to her." directed Harm.

He walked her up the steps to her daughter who had been waiting anxiously for her. Mackenzie was shocked to see her. She couldn't move. It had to be her mother. She looked so much like the pictures of her.

Mac held out her arms to her daughter. She just wanted to hold her and never let her go.

"Are you my Mom? Dad said you were dead." asked Mackenzie when she found her voice again.

"That's what Harm tells me. You do look like me. You're beautiful sweetie. Where did you get that dress? That dress cost me two thousand dollars. What else did Harm give you?" asked Mac giving her a stern look.

"Uhmm ... He gave me ten gowns and fifteen dresses along with some military uniforms and ... and ... some photo albums of you and him." she shuddered.

Mac looked over to Harm with a look that could kill.

"I suppose you gave her my favorite gowns and dresses. Do you know how much I paid for them? More than you paid to restore that car of yours." asked Mac in a voice of a full bird Colonel.

"Mac, Sarah honey, I only gave her a few of your things. The rest of them I have back at the farm. You must have had over thirty gowns and a hundred dresses. I thought you would have wanted her to have them." squirmed Harm.

"I supposed you gave her my shoes too. I bet they don't even match the gowns or the dresses. I wondered what you did with all of them. Harriet was of no use. I never thought to check out the farm house when I didn't find you there." Mac continued the assault like any good marine.

"No, I'm sure I matched up the right shoes to the gowns and dresses. You explained your system to me many years ago. You know it wasn't easy. Every gown or dress I picked out for her I saw you in it. It took me back to a happier time.

For instance that dress she's wearing right now. You wore that to Skate's wedding a year after the crash. You looked like a delicious creamsicle. Do you remembered what we did that night after Skates left for her honeymoon?" smiled Harm as he raised his eyebrows up and down several times.

It was a smile that hadn't been seen in eighteen years. It was a smile that could make any woman swoon, Mac was no exception as she felt her knees buckle. Mackenzie saw the smile too and thought WOW! No wonder why her mother fell in love with him.

She also saw the change in both of them. They were becoming playful and very suggestive in their conversation and actions. She could see the love between them even after all this time apart.

"Not in front of the baby Harm. We must not give her any ideas." smiled Mac.

The smile lit up Mac's face. It was the most beautiful smile Mackenzie had ever seen. She wondered if that's what Tommy Peterson saw whenever she smiled. Harm had told her she smiled like her mother.

"Before I leave Mackenzie, I'll need to check out the shoes to see that he gave you the right one. There was a pair of shoes for each gown and most of the dresses. I had over a hundred pairs of shoes of various different shades. Harm is a little color blind." smiled Mac.

__

JAG isn't JAG if Harm and Mac aren't together.


	10. Chapter 10

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

_Author's note: Wasn't that a nice surprise._

part ten Bonding

They had a light dinner before going back outside to sit on the back porch. Mackenzie had the photo album and was sitting next to Mac. She wanted to hear some stories about them.

"My mom has been telling me I shouldn't be so set on one hairstyle. She says that too much hair can detract from a beautiful face. I never understood what she meant until I looked through your album.

You have had so many different hairstyles, sometimes as many as three in one year. I wondered why you didn't stay with just one?" asked Mackenzie.

"When I was your age, I always thought the same thing. I had long hair like you have now. It was long and very silky. I thought it made me looked beautiful. I always tried putting my hair up in many different way.

It was a way to pretend I was someone else. I also had all the time in the world to take care of my hair too, but when I joined the marines it became a lot of extra work. I had to tack it up everyday.

Then every night I had to spend time combing it so it would be straight again. Then there was the time issue, that is, not enough time. As a marine I had to shower and get ready in ten minutes.

That's impossible to do with long hair. It would take longer than that just to wash and condition my hair properly. So one day I had it cut short. I kind of liked it that way for a long time, though there were a few hairstyles I didn't like." explained Mac.

"Let me guess, the first time you went flying with Dad." smirked Mackenzie.

"Yeah, it was definitely cut a little too short that time. It took awhile for it to grow out. It was the first time he took me up in Sarah, his bi-plane." began Mac.

"I know the one. We went flying in it several times a few weeks ago. He even let me fly it. He said I was a natural." smiled Mackenzie.

This annoyed Billy a bit. He was the one who wanted to go to the Naval Academy and become a Naval aviator.

"He still has Sarah? I loved it the first time I went up with him. It was fun having the wind blow through my hair. It wasn't fun when Harm had to set the plane down in a field. I got shot by poachers." moaned Mac.

"I told you we should have stayed with the plane." argued Harm.

"Some point along the way Harm we would have had to hiked out of there. You were lucky to find a rubber fuel line to get us out of there." replied Mac.

"Harm, me, and planes are a bad combination."

"Do you have any other stories?" asked Mackenzie. "How about explaining this photo."

"That was taken when we were in Russia. We were in Russia looking for information about his father. He had been shot down in Viet Nam in 1969. As it turned out he was taken to Russia as part of their plan to build a jet similar to the ones the Navy was flying at the time.

We found out he escaped a Russian gulag somewhere in Siberia in 1980. Harm stole a Russian MIG. We didn't get very far before they shot us down." smiled Mac.

"I didn't have any weapons, but I did get us to safety before the missiles hit the MIG." Harm said in defense.

"Wow! That's awesome!" chirped Billy.

"Don't encourage him. He was always pulling stunts like that. Anyways, we were picked up by gypsies. That was my gypsy outfit." smiled Mac.

"You looked so beautiful. Did you ever find Harm's dad?" asked Mackenzie.

"He died a year later defending the honor of a young woman." replied Mac.

"I liked this photo of you Mac. You looked kind of cute, but dopey at the same time." offered Billy, which caused Harm to laugh.

"You must be talking about the time Mac and I were in Afghanistan and we were dressed in desert BDU's." smiled Harm. "I told her the same thing back then."

"Did she hurt you like GI Jane did in the movies?" asked Billy.

"Not directly. We were driving along a dirt road. I noticed that he seemed to be very content. I said to him you love it here, it's man country. He smiled in agreement." replied Mac.

"She wasn't paying attention to where she was driving and almost hit a herd of goats. She swerved to miss them and ran over a couple of land mines in the process throwing me into the middle of the mine field." said Harm with a huff.

"I got you out of there didn't I. He wouldn't let me drive for the next six months." pouted Mac.

"Well you did wreck the Humvee and we had to walk." argued Harm.

"We spent the night out in the desert. It was so peaceful and quiet before we almost got killed by a bombing run authorized by a friend of ours." continued Mac.

"Aren't you forgetting something Mac? You set up our sleeping area with a divider in the middle. It was going to get cold that night." smiled Harm.

"Yeah, that was funny. You asked me if you should call down to the front desk to ask if we could have separate rooms." smiled Mac.

"I asked you if you needed an invitation. You said yes and gave me one of your big beautiful smiles." sighed Harm as he pretended to be in a dreamlike state.

"It was a fun. We found a good way to stay warm." smiled Mac.

The Johnsons listened to the stories. They were amazed that two lawyers could have such adventures. They love the bantering they saw between Harm and Mac. They truly loved each other, they could see that.

It made their lives as college professors seem dreary and uneventful. They were sad though that two wonderful people had missed the last eighteen years together. What a heartache it must have been for them.

"A couple of days later we were driving across Afghanistan. We were searching for a terrorist. Harm drove all night because ... well you know why. We somehow managed to drive through two warring tribes. They decided to shoot at us instead of each other.

We found his truck the next day. He had been transporting dirty nuclear material. We helio back to the fleet and reported what we found. We found out that that the terrorist had bought an old Russian sub.

Harm flew the mission to find the sub. We thought that they might fire a torpedo, but instead it was a missile with a dirty nuke warhead. By the time Harm found the Missile,

it was too close to the fleet so Harm decided to play tag with it. He let the missile lock on his tomcat and he led the missile away from the fleet before it died out." concluded Mac.

"Wow! That's totally awesome!" exclaimed Billy.

"Don't you even think about doing something like that young man. There's no certainly that you will be going to the academy, particularly if you have ideas like that." replied Mrs. Johnson putting a damper on the idea.

"I don't think you have to worry Ma'am. Most of my career flying tomcats were spent boring holes in the sky. Even during wartime it's still pretty safe. I happen to be lucky to see as much action as I did.

Most of it was after I became a jag. I received two DFC's and the Navy Cross after I stopped flying full time." smiled Harm.

"Sorry Ma'am." began Jack. "I guess I shouldn't have told him about my black ops. Harm had to come in and pull my six out of the fire a few times. But Harm is right Ma'am. I flew for the Navy almost twenty five years.

There are a few risk, but most of them are manageable because of all the work that goes into developing the jets in the first place. Landing a jet in inclement weather or at night on a rolling deck is usually the hardest thing for most pilots.

Wars are few and far between. And in today's fighting most of it's done at twenty thousand feet and lasting only for a few weeks. The last big one was in 2003 and it lasted less than three weeks."

"By the way Ma'am, I have interviewed him and counseled him about getting into the Naval Academy. I told him that he can't just be good, he has to be special. He has to be the best and that includes extra curricular activities.

The Naval Academy trains only the best leaders in the world. And I would be honor to give him a letter of recommendation when the time comes as well as I'm sure Harm will too."


	11. Chapter 11

Titles: _**Agony of Life**_

Author: _rooster dawn_

Disclaimer: JAG is property of Belisarius productions, no copyright infringement intended.

spoiler: Dining out

Summary: What do you do when the most important person in your life isn't there anymore.

Author's note: Alternative universe where Harm's and Sarah's lives together begin after the Admiral's Dining Out. Takes place after the end of season nine.

_Good feedback is good for the soul and my happiness._

_Author's note: Wasn't that a nice surprise._

_part eleven The unknown truth_

Mac and Mackenzie went for a walk. Mac wanted some alone time with her daughter and wanted to get to know her a little better. She wanted to know how well she did in school. Did she play any sports? Was she going to college.

"I can't believe that you're here Mom. My parents told me you died giving birth to me. I always wondered who you were and what you looked like." Kenzie rambled on. She was so happy to see Mac.

"I can hardly believe it myself. My original intention of coming here today was to see Harm. I haven't seen him since the day you were born. I've missed him so much.

When Jack called me, he told there would be a surprise for me. Never in my wildest imagination did I believe I would be seeing you Mackenzie. You are so beautiful. I'm sorry that I have missed you going up." wailed Mac.

"I'm glad you're here. I only met Dad a few weeks ago. He told me so much about you. He showed me the photo albums you had. I could see that you and he were deeply in love with each other. I wanted to meet you, but I thought I never would." replied Kenzie. Her emotions were catching up with her.

"I heard that you graduated class valedictorian. That's quite impressive. Did you participate in any sports? Are you going to college?" asked Mac changing the subject.

"I played volleyball, basketball, and softball. I was the captain of all three teams. I'm going to Princeton in the fall. I'm going to major in political science." replied Kenzie.

"You know that's usually the first step in becoming a lawyer. By the way do you speak any languages other than English?" queried Mac.

"I took French and Spanish in seventh grade through tenth. I took German my last two years." smiled Kenzie, quite pleased with herself.

"Quite impressive, I see that you have inherited my abilities for languages." smiled Mac. Harm never was very good at picking up a new language.

"I take it that you must speak many languages then. Can I ask how many?" asked Kenzie curiously.

"I'm not sure off hand. When I graduated high school I spoke Spanish since I grew up in the Southwest. I learned French in high school, It was the diplomat's language back then. I learned Farsi from my grandmother. She was from Persia.

In college I learned German, Italian, and Russian. I learned Japanese when I was stationed in Japan. I learned Serbian during the Balkan War. Later on I learned Arabic and Hebrew during the war on terrorism." smiled Mac.

"Wow! That's incredible!" replied Kenzie.

They had finished their walk and went to sit on the porch with Harm and the rest of family.

"I have a secret to tell you Mackenzie, not even Harm knows." began Mac. "I'm sure Harm told you about how we met."

"He said you met him in a rose garden." she replied.

"That's true as far as he knows, but we met a long time before then." confirmed Mac.

"I don't understand." replied Mackenzie.

"We actually met at the Naval Academy in 1982. I went by the name Diane Schonke back then. It was the name I grew up with." explained Mac.

Not only was Mackenzie surprised by that revelation, but Harm was too. He didn't understand. Diane had been killed by Commander Hobart. He had met Mac six months later. Mac was a gung ho Marine.

The Diane he knew didn't like Marines. She always had such low opinions of them. There was no way she would have become one.

"That can't be true. I saw Diane the day she died. She was shot in the chest." exclaimed Harm.

"Did you ever check the body Harm? A seedy looking character came up to me after I left the ship. I was eating an early breakfast when he approached me. The next thing I knew I woke up a couple of days later. I think you can guess who the man was." sighed Mac.

"Webb!" replied Harm.

"Yep, he had a mission for me. He saw in my records that I spoke many languages. So I spent the next few months in Bosnia." answered Mac.

"How? Why Sarah MacKenzie? You weren't a lawyer, how did you become one so quickly?" asked Harm.

"Sarah MacKenzie was the name I was given at birth. As you know I was adopted. So when it was time to rejoined the world of the living I came back as Sarah MacKenzie. As for how I became a lawyer, it's pretty simple really.

Since you decided to become a lawyer, I thought if I became one too, we could be together. I only had to pass the bar exam when Webb abducted me. Uncle Matt's stunt just made it easier for Webb to get me stationed at Headquarter to be with you." smiled Mac.

Mackenzie found the whole story interesting, but confusing at the same time. Her mother had led an interesting life.

"I thought you were dead. Why didn't you tell me?" moaned Harm.

"I couldn't Harm, there wasn't anything I could do. I'm sorry, but it did let us be together for the next nine years even though we didn't get married until near the end." wailed Mac.

"What about the second time you died Sarah? It just about killed me." cried Harm.

"According to Webb, I did die on the table. They were lucky to get my heart going again, but due to the loss of blood my body shut down and I was in a coma for six months. I wanted to see you when I woke, but Webb told me everyone though I was dead.

It took another three months before I recovered fully. I wanted to go looking for you, but you were gone, you weren't at headquarters anymore. Webb talked me into joining Naval Intelligence. I stayed with them until I retired.

I tried looking for you when I returned to the states. I even scared poor Harriet when I saw her. She couldn't believe that I was alive. Unfortunately she told me she hadn't seen you since you left headquarters shortly after I supposedly died.

According to Bud, you served two more years before you retired as a Captain. I looked everywhere I could think of, but you had dropped off the face of the earth." wailed Mac.

The hurt and pain that had long been put away was back. She had been alone for eighteen years. There wasn't anyone in the world but Harm for her.

"I died inside that day. I tried to work through it, but I couldn't. I finally left the navy and drank my self into oblivion for the next three or four years. I finally sobered up and slowly put my life back together.

I ended up back at the farm about six years ago. I practice law part time now." replied Harm.

Mackenzie sat there stunned to hear the heartbreaking story of her parents. It amazed her how they found each other again the first time. And now after eighteen years they had found each other again. She didn't know whether to be happy or sad.

"I still love you Flyboy." sniffled Mac.

"I love you too Ninja girl." replied Harm as he took her into his arms and held her tightly.

"Enough of this sad stuff. We have a beautiful daughter to get to know. Maybe she would like to spend some time with us at the farm before she goes away to college."

"That would be nice Flyboy, until today I didn't know I had a beautiful little girl." smiled Mac.

"She not exactly little anymore. She as tall as you." smiled Harm as he leaned in to give her a kiss.

****

_The End_


End file.
